Chili Joke – Texas Style

It’s that time of year again and folks in Texas are brewing the hot stuff. Someone sent me this and I had to pass it on. You’ve probably seen this joke floating around the internet. I re-print it here (without premission) because I had the same reaction everyone seems to have. If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Actually, I had to stop mid-way and run to the beer tent and the little boys room.

This was orignially a column by author W. Bruce Cameron a native of Michigan. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. I think the kicked-up, Texas version below is just as funny if not more so. Texans really do take their chili seriously.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

[Personal Note: Everyone knew he wasn’t Texan. Texans don’t drink Coors Light. They drink Miller Lite or maybe Bud Light when Lite runs out.]

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods – not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lbs. woman is starting to look HOT – just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — … (no report)

Cell Phones Make the World Go Around

I read this today and it made me think of what I watched on TV the other day.

Cell phones make the modern world go round

By: Elyssa Jechow
October 25, 2007
Section: Aggielife

How in the world did we ever exist without cell phones? What did we do when we weren’t incessantly connected to each other?

I remember well the days before the cell phone. We went about our business, did our jobs, went to class, did homework, went to the State Fair on the weekend, and we lived life.

Even if all of these things are true, I cannot imagine the world being a better place without cell phones. What if I didn’t have a phone and my car broke down on the side of the road? Would I have to walk until I found a place with a phone? I wouldn’t have all of my friends’ phone numbers accessible at the touch of a button. Heck, I wouldn’t even know what to wear on any given day because I always check the weather on my phone.

Cell phones, are useful in emergencies, or whenever communication is required when a land-line isn’t available. As for phone numbers, there’s this other handy invention called an address book or Rolodex that is a great place to store numbers. If the weather is delivered via phone what is the need for a news paper section dedicated to weather; ironic a newspaper columnist touting the virtues of cell phones – the technology that is killing her media, killing her job.

And now for something not completely different. The other day Commando was on the DISH and it made me think of cell phones again.

One of the premises of the movie is that the bad guys call their boss if something goes wrong. So when a bad guy, Sully (David Patrick Kelly), sees the good guy, Matrix (Schwarzenegger) in a mall – the quintessential location of 1985 – he runs to a pay phone to call the boss, Arius (Dan Hedaya). Of course Matrix cannot allow him to complete the call because if Arius receives a call he will kill Matrix’s daughter, Jenny (Alyssa Milano) – she was 12 during filming in 1985. So a chase ensues, Matrix successfully kills the phone booth so Sully can’t complete the call. Matrix eventually catches up to Sully on a lonely L.A. hills road and kills him. Sully wont be calling the boss.

During this chase scene and pretty much the whole movie I was thinking, “This movie couldn’t happen today. Sully would whip out his cell phone and Jenny would die – end of story.”

The Cato Institute on SCHIP

Cato Scholar Comments on the Revised SCHIP Plan

Wednesday 24 October 2007

Michael F. Cannon, director of health policy studies:

The Democrats just don’t get it – and neither do the Republicans. SCHIP’s supporters are hell-bent on expanding this poorly targeted program, despite having no evidence that it is the best way to help low-income kids and plenty of evidence that it would trap families in low-wage jobs. Yet SCHIP’s supporters will succeed – unless its detractors begin questioning SCHIP’s very existence, and demand that Congress repeal the program and replace it with the freedom to purchase health insurance from any state. In other words, SCHIP’s detractors need to grow a spine.

And now the Dems are being sneaky with a vote when several Reps wont be in Washington. As California burns it looks like politics is heating up.

GOP cries foul on timing of children’s health vote

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Deirdre Walsh and Jessica Yellin, CNN

House Republicans are fuming over Democrats’ decision to hold the next vote on the State Children’s Health Insurance Program on Thursday — when many Republicans will be in California as President Bush tours areas hit by wildfires.

Loosing the L.O.S.T.

The U.S. Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works (EPW) is once again debating the Law of the Sea Treaty (LOST) – a bill Ronald Reagan and the republican senate killed nearly 25 years ago. It’s a bad for us (read U.S.) bill. So said CNN’s Glenn Beck and a growing number of the Informed:

America, this is not a joke — we have to wake up now, the killers are inside the house. Our country and our sovereignty is being lost to socialists, globalists, elitists, and corporations — and it’s happening right in front of our eyes. We must stand up now and say enough. Glenn Beck, CNN Glenn Beck Show, October 16, 2007

Texas Amendment PSA or Missed Opportunity

Texas Senator Steve Ogden sent this brochure to my roommate and not me. This PSA contains commentary For and Against
the 16 amendments before voters on November 6, 2007.

Here’s where I stand: Amendment #1 (HJR 103)-Yea, Amendment #2 (SJR 57)-Nae, Amendment #3 (HJR 40)-Nae, Amendment #4 (SJR 65)-Nae, Amendment #5 (SJR 44)-Nae, Amendment #6 (HJR 54)-Nae, Amendment #7 (HJR 30)-Yea, Amendment #8 (HJR 72)-Yea, Amendment #9 (SJR 29)-Nae, Amendment #10 (HJR 69)-Yea, Amendment #11 (HJR 19)-Yea, Amendment #12 (SJR 64)-Nae, Amendment #13 (HJR 6)-Nae, Amendment #14 (HJR 36)-Yea, Amendment #15 (HJR 90)-Nae, Amendment #16 (SJR 20)-Yea.

Texas Defined

Everything you wanted to know about Texas but were afraid to ask.

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All
y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”.
And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”

10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when
making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not ‘cooked’ in an oven

14. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot”
you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a
bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don’t ask.

21. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t
mean anything’s broken.

22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you
really mean to say is ‘Margarita.’

23. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school
football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance
to the door, but the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto
the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.

26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot
dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular
weekend pastime.

28. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

A little anecdote about identity theft

Have you ever played Grand Theft Auto video games? If you have you probably stole a car – hence the name. You have to if you want to get from home base to a mission location before next Christmas. Sometimes, you steal a specific car so that you can be accepted by group or to hide from another group; you’re profiled by groups in the game.

This is what I thought about when I received an email from Bank of America about a suspicious charge on my credit card: how do I know the email is from the real Bank of America. It had the appearance of very clever spoof, and I had never seen email like that from BOA. So, it was a predicament, should I accept the email at face value and allow it to pass through or should I attack. What made it worse, BOA locked my access to their web site (SOP after this kind of incident). I was really freaking out. I thought someone could have compromised my account, stolen my identity and could do untold damage. I had a zero balance so they might have stolen everything.

I played a clever hand. I looked up the 800-number on the main Bank of America web site. It was not the same number as the one in the email which only confirmed my spoof fear. I went through a little cloak-and-dagger routine over the phone trying to prove my identity.
“What is you card number?” the guy on the other end asked.
“You tell me” I retorted. Then I thought about how dumb that sounded and gave up the number.

I’m not sure why – call it terrorism-phobia or whatever – but it was a little disturbing talking to an Indian or Pakistani male about my credit card information. When I was giving him my card number red flags were going off in my head. I was more at ease when he switched me to an American sounding female who only asked for short versions of private information.

Turns out it was not a spoof. Someone had successfully authorized my card number for a $108 charge at a Walmart in Florida. When they tried to charge another $158 – probably at the same Walmart – Bank of America caught them. They denied that charge.

End result, BOA reversed the $108 and they are starting fraud investigation against the person(s) responsible. As soon as they refunded the charges, BOA canceled my card, and I canceled BOA.

So, identity theft is real, and it’s closer then you think.

See

  • PrivacyRights.org (They have Data Breach stats.)
  • LifeLock.com (They don’t prevent theft. They monitor/protect identity and help recover after theft.)