Chili Joke – Texas Style

It’s that time of year again and folks in Texas are brewing the hot stuff. Someone sent me this and I had to pass it on. You’ve probably seen this joke floating around the internet. I re-print it here (without premission) because I had the same reaction everyone seems to have. If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Actually, I had to stop mid-way and run to the beer tent and the little boys room.

This was orignially a column by author W. Bruce Cameron a native of Michigan. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. I think the kicked-up, Texas version below is just as funny if not more so. Texans really do take their chili seriously.

“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

[Personal Note: Everyone knew he wasn’t Texan. Texans don’t drink Coors Light. They drink Miller Lite or maybe Bud Light when Lite runs out.]

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting drunk from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods – not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lbs. woman is starting to look HOT – just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — … (no report)

Texas Defined

Everything you wanted to know about Texas but were afraid to ask.

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”. And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”

10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not ‘cooked’ in an oven

14. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot” you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don’t ask.

21. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken.

22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is ‘Margarita.’

23. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.

26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.

28. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Smoke out – Opinion

Now that the regular session is done here’s a juicy, hot-button topic that could make or break a congressman’s campaign.

Senate Bill 368 proposed by Senator Rodney Ellis, D-Houston) and House Bill 9 (HB 9) proposed by Representative Myra Crownover, R-Lake Dallas. SB 368 and HB 9, identical pieces of legislation, would have banned smoking in all public places and all work places. I say would have, because these bills had the good graces to die in committee and die without final vote at the close of the session, respectively.

It looks like this legislation” was a poorly written to start with. If you ask me, someone just wanted to make a name for themselves – “yeah I introduced the following legislation SB368, SB3…”

Here is a short list of who represents. Try to give’m a call (collect).

U.S. Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison 202-224-5922
U.S. Senator John Cornyn 202-224-2934
U.S. Congressional District 17 Chet Edwards 202-225-6105
Texas Senate District 5 Steve Ogden 51-463-0105
Texas House District 17 Robert Cook 512-463-0682
Texas State Board of Education District 9 Don Mcleroy 979-255-2538

There is a district map problem in Texas, so the state representative usually changes every session.

Source: The Battalion

The Seven Questions No One Asked Robert Gates

Washington Dispatch: Is the Senate holding a confirmation on Bush’s pick to replace Rumsfeld – or a ritual blessing?

By James Ridgeway
December 6, 2006

No one in Washington thinks there’s any question about Robert Gates getting confirmed as Secretary of Defense. The hearings this week before the Senate Armed Services Committee are one of the capitol’s purely ceremonial affairs: Gates is the ostensible reason for the get-together, but the real goal is to honor outgoing committee chairman John Warner — who, it’s worth remembering, for the past five years has presided over the Senate’s oversight of the war in Iraq.

Only two committee members proffered any real questions on the first day of the confirmation hearings. The first was Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., who simply asked the nominee what everyone wants to know: Would you support attacking Iran and Syria? Gates pretty much said no. Then Lindsay Graham, R-S.C., asked Gates if he believed that Iran wants nuclear weapons. Gates said yes, adding that in his view, the effort is largely driven by the need for a deterrent.

The rest of the hearing was simply embarrassing, with senators complimenting the US government for giving “sovereignty” back to Iraq, opining that not all Muslims were bad, and buffing up their bona fides for the 2008 presidential campaign.

What follows are a few questions senators should have asked Gates to make these hearings worthy of the name – and could still raise in floor debate. But don’t hold your breath.

  1. Why did the CIA fail to predict the collapse of the Soviet Union?
  2. What role did you have as a subordinate of CIA director William Casey in the Afghan war against the Soviets?
  3. Please tell us all the occasions since 1988 (under both Bush administrations) on which you were asked for advice on the Afghan and Iraqi wars and what advice you gave.
  4. In 1984 you wrote Casey that: “It is time to talk absolutely straight about Nicaragua,” and added, “The Nicaraguan regime is steadily moving toward consolidation of a Marxist-Leninist government, and the establishment of a permanent and well-armed ally of the Soviet Union and Cuba on the mainland of the western hemisphere. Its avowed aim is to spread further revolution in the Americas.” You said this was an “unacceptable” course and argued the U.S. should do everything “in its power short of invasion to put that regime out.” Any hopes of causing that regime to reform itself for a more pluralistic government are “essentially silly and hopeless.” With Daniel Ortega back in power, what should we do now? Does he now pose a threat to the western hemisphere? Are hopes for a pluralistic government still “essentially silly and hopeless”? Your views, please.
  5. In 1985 you wanted to “redraw the map of North Africa,” advocating invading Libya with a force of 90,000 American soldiers, seizing half the country, and overthrowing Muamar Ghaddafi. On the basis of your advice, Casey ordered up a list of Libyan targets. Please explain your thinking on Libya.
  6. You have said that you first learned of the operation we now know as Iran-Contra when Eugene Hasenfus’s plane was shot down over Nicaragua on October 5, 1986. If that is so, tell us about your meeting on October 1, 1985 with the CIA’s National Intelligence Officer, Charles Allen, who told you of his suspicion funds were being diverted to the Contras. What action did you take when he told you this?
  7. Some of your former colleagues at the CIA allege that you played a role in politicizing intelligence at the agency, a claim you have long denied. Can you explain how a memo came to be drafted under your direction, based on information from one source, that alleged Soviet involvement in the papal assassination plot? Why did your cover note on this memo, which was sent to the president and the vice president, call this assessment a “comprehensive examination”?

James Ridgeway is the Washington Correspondent at Mother Jones.

3 arrested in D/FW airport security breach

05:18 AM CST on Wednesday, November 1, 2006

By HOLLY YAN / The Dallas Morning News

Three men being chased by officers Tuesday night drove through a security fence at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport and ran across an airfield before they were arrested near a terminal.

D/FW DPS officers began pursuing the men’s vehicle on East Airfield Drive about 8 p.m. on suspicion of reckless driving, airport spokesman David Magaña said. The men crashed through the fence on the northeast side of the airfield operations area of the airport, abandoned their vehicle and ran across the airfield toward the terminal area. They were arrested near Terminal A.

‘The investigation is continuing, but at this point there is no indication that the incident was related to an act of terrorism,’ Mr. Magaña said.

Two of the airport’s seven runways were temporarily closed as a precaution. One arriving flight was diverted during the incident, and three departing flights were delayed, Mr. Magaña said.

Officials said there was no danger to any aircraft. Local and federal agencies were investigating the incident, but the charges had not been released.”